CtchAFallinStr's Xanga

hellllooo

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 07:09:32 GMT

hello old friend. it's been a while, a long while actually since i last wrote. i actually completely forgot i had this. seeing as it would be good therapy to write out my feelings rather than supressing and hiding them. im kind of a mess and all over the place but here it goes......

well my first year at college has been....let's say, interesting. i like it tho. everything is so fresh and new. i love the new environment. new city. new home. new freedom. i love it. but sometimes, i just miss home. That's weird seeing as i go home every weekend. i seriously don't know what it feels like to spend a weekend in fullerton. hmmmm it must be pretty crazy. but i love my new home and my new room mates. i was really lucky to get matched with 5 wonderful girls that i am so compatible with. We make up a cali-connection. SF + LA+SF=theLOVEshack.

i think leaving home was the best decision i have made. i was very sceptical about leaving. i wanted to play it safe. but how can i experience new things and live life if i play it safe all the time. cilla lived her life. she was never afraid to do anything. she was never afraid of change. she is the perfect example of living her life. i'm so glad she got to do that before she died. Everytime i think about her and her death, everything seems so ironic. like her death was a message to everyone who knew her. We tend to always stick to what we believe. staying closed minded. not wanting anything to change in our lives, but how can we live, if we never see life in every aspect of what it has to offer?

now to the emotional stuff.....(im warning you ahead of time, it's pretty staight forward and graphic)

these past 2 weeks have been the worst i have ever experienced. week 1 i was sick which caused me to go back home and miss school, unfortunately causing me to fall so behind in school even after i was already behind. (oh yeah, im practically failing) I had planned to study all last week for my midterms this week, but that didn't happen. (i didnt do so well on my exams this week. i couldn't concentrate at all) i went home for the weekend. i wanted to go to SB on friday, but i ended up not going. saturday morning i recieved a call from robyn. her first words were "have you heard anything?" i was so confused & still half asleep. she told me that angela and cilla got in a car accident. i asked her if they were ok. she was silent and said "im not sure. i think they died. angela for sure but im not sure about cilla." my heart seriously dropped. i wanted her to say "haha just kidding" but it wasnt a joke. all i could say was "what the heck is going on?!" i didnt believe it. i didnt want to. i told robyn i would call her back and immediately called cilla. it went to her voicemail right away. i felt my heart get heavy as i clicked through my phonebook thinking of who i could call. but i didnt want to call any of cilla's best friends and have to tell them the bad news. i called anyone i thought would know anything that was going on. no answer from anyone. i went online to see if myspace said anything, seeing as everyone writes their life updates in bulletins. i talked to taylor online. he told me it was true. i felt my eyes water up then germaine called me. i asked her if she knew anything and i told her the news with my voice cracking from trying to hold back my tears. time went by and after the news spread like wildfire, the talk became reality. once i realized that priscilla cruces and angela reyes were dead, i burst into tears. bawling as i called people to tell them the truth. i called anyone i thought could help me. never has my phone been so busy in my life. i sat alone in my parent's room and cried and thought about how it could have happened. images of cilla sleeping in her snow white costume in the passenger seat and angela driving. i can just imagine angela falling asleep and the car swerving off the side of the freeway. off a cliff and crashing into a tree. i can only wonder if they woke up as they drove off the cliff. if they were conscious after they hit the tree. if they were alive when the car caught fire. if they felt any pain. i pray to God that their death was a quick and painless one. A news report said that they could not identify the gender of the girls at first. that must have meant they were burned. angela could not be identified even after. her dad had to identify her by her teeth. i can only imagine the pain her dad felt looking at a body and not knowing if it was his daughter. i heard cilla's body was fine, but her mom doesnt want her casket to be openned. she wants everyone to remember cilla how she looked as we knew her. but i would give anything to just see her one last time. to hug her. gosh it hurts me to think that i'll never hear her laugh ever again. sometimes i dont believe its real, but reality soon kicks in. i get weird feelings when i think about her. i feel like my stomach is slowly rising up as if i were to vomit. sometimes i just cant take it. i just want to fall asleep and wake up to her saying "haha just kidding. i got you." but i know it wouldn't happen. there's so many memories with her. everytime i think about cheer or high school, shes there. but i really am so thankful for oct. 20 & 21. my last days with her. dinner with her on friday and limo with her and angela on saturday. that's how i'll always remember them....crazy jungle girls. but i never said goodbye. i just left krystle's house after the limo. it was late and i had to be home.

their funerals are tomorrow. angela's at 10:30 cilla's at 1:30. i can just feel the tears welling up already. it's going to be an intense day. i just pray that they are in heaven now. the two most beautiful angels up there. i never knew my guardian angel on a personal level, now i do. angela & cilla. i love you. i think of you both everyday. i pray for you as you watch over everyone who's mourning. it is going to be sad to see everyone from class of 06 together again. its good that we can all get together, but for such a sad reason.

to everyone i know, i love you. im sorry for any hurt i've caused you. and thank you for being in my life.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 20:30:07 GMT

wow so i haven't wrote in sooo long due to stress & busyness (if thats even a word. it looks weird) i thought this year would be soo chill but i guess i was wrong. maybe doing more things this year was a bad idea. i dont like cheer anymore. it seriously feels like a chore. everything that used to be fun about it, isnt anymore. games are so boring. im glad this is my last year. all my classes suck. they're all boring & im not doing so well. im thinking of dropping some classes next sememster if i can. asb is really stressful. i really love it tho. but the 2 most stressful weeks are finally over. & i apoligize to anyone & everyone who saw me stressed & freaked out. sorry if it scared you. & sorry for crying all the time. i was stressing & pmsing at the same time. & i still hadta worry about college & SATs.

i dont think im gonna be writing anything in any blogs of any sort anymore cuz i just dont have time. i rarely on the computer anymore. oh well i havta learn how to manage my time anyways.

oh & one last thing....IM IN. so if you have verizon, feel free to call me!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 02:01:00 GMT

it's official...i've had the best summer ever!

all my past summers have sucked major boootay but this one was awesome.

going to the bonfire was the best way to end a great summer. im a little sad that its over but im sooo excited for school tomorrow. woohoo seniors!!

hey thanks, thanks for that summer.

rachel is carrrazzyy.

"embrace the sun"

"im a starfish"

this is our "we're sad cuz its hot" picture

bigotes.

i love my cousin!!

so long sweet summer.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 02:07:55 GMT

cheer camp was fun. i really surprised myself. im proud of song. makes me proud to be captain. i really missed cheer tho. i want to stunt, as weird as that sounds cuz i hate it. im kind of thinking about actually going to london for the new years parade. my parents said i should go. i've never been to london & when will i ever go? the money is a problem tho. i AM gonna try out for USA. why not? it would be a cool job. but it would be a lot of work & might distract me. yay for seniors. asb camp is coming up & i have no idea what to expect. school is coming up & summer is almost over. i'd have to say that this has been the best summer i've had so far. im lovin it! i'll put up more pictures of camp when they're done loading.

here's some pictures from the cheer sleepover.

now cheer camp...

Current music:

rocket summer - tv family

cheer camp

i dont have many pictures cuz my dumb camera died. but here...

the end.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:33:52 GMT

ahhh summer.
today was the first day that it actually felt like summer. ya know the lazy type of summer where you stay up all night, sleep in the day, and eat like a pig. yup. it feels good to be a lazy summer bum. im so glad im home cuz i was so homesick.

i've spent the last month sleeping early, waking up early, eating 5 times a day, going out everyday, and having a great vacation. i think im done flying on planes for at least a year. i hated traveling for 18 hours. then on the way to ohio, our travel time was 17 hours when it should've been 6. ugh talk about tiring.

summer so far has been great. philippines was fun, ohio was fun. hopefully this good summer mood will last the whole summer. that would be awesome.

someone wants to die.

hey did you know that you're cool? well you are!!

current mood: chipper
current music: MYMP-get me

Monday, June 27, 2005

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 02:47:07 GMT

hey im still here in the philippines. im having a lot of fun but i still miss everyone.

im gonna be on this filipino show called wowowee on tfc on wednesday so watch if you have it.

you can text me here if you want at 09282713201

ill be back in california for a few hours on thursday then off to ohio. so excited!!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 20:34:48 GMT

goodbye.

have a great summer. ill miss you all.

if you need me, you can text my cell.

later foolios!!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Thu, 26 May 2005 23:54:00 GMT

woo hoo

i got song captain & spirit commissioner!!

senior year is gonna be friggen great. i cant wait.

yay!! =)

post prom or no post prom?

Current mood:	giddy
Current music:	jack johnson-banana pancakes

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Tue, 24 May 2005 07:05:19 GMT

so things have gotten much better.

school counselors are great. it made me feel like i had sooo many problems but it made me feel a lot better.

camp was great. great job to everyone who served. UC was the best ever. i loved walking up & down that friggen hill like 20 million times a day. it was overall a good weekend. i really liked that camp.

today was a good day. i got song captain with eleni. yay for us and for krystle and cilla. its gonna be a good year.

my SAT scores sucked so i guess that's my only low.

10 more days of school. woot woot.

this will be a good week....cuz i said so. =)

current mood: excited
current music: jack johnson-better together

Friday, May 13, 2005

Fri, 13 May 2005 00:44:59 GMT

wow. i am stressed.
i just want everything to be over already and summer to come.
& i want it to stop being so hott. i can feel myself tanning already.
i really hope i make song & asb. boo if i dont.
ill honestly cry if i dont make song cuz i know that my 8 years of cheering and dancing will be over forever. how sad. i dont think ill make asb cuz everyone else is wayy better than me.
this weekend is gonna be stressful like carrazzyy.
i miss my mom like crazy style. i saw her on tfc (a filipino tv channel) she was on some show. but i miss her.
im honestly drained in every way.
*sigh*