hello old friend. it's been a while, a long while actually since i last wrote. i actually completely forgot i had this. seeing as it would be good therapy to write out my feelings rather than supressing and hiding them. im kind of a mess and all over the place but here it goes...... well my first year at college has been....let's say, interesting. i like it tho. everything is so fresh and new. i love the new environment. new city. new home. new freedom. i love it. but sometimes, i just miss home. That's weird seeing as i go home every weekend. i seriously don't know what it feels like to spend a weekend in fullerton. hmmmm it must be pretty crazy. but i love my new home and my new room mates. i was really lucky to get matched with 5 wonderful girls that i am so compatible with. We make up a cali-connection. SF + LA+SF=theLOVEshack. i think leaving home was the best decision i have made. i was very sceptical about leaving. i wanted to play it safe. but how can i experience new things and live life if i play it safe all the time. cilla lived her life. she was never afraid to do anything. she was never afraid of change. she is the perfect example of living her life. i'm so glad she got to do that before she died. Everytime i think about her and her death, everything seems so ironic. like her death was a message to everyone who knew her. We tend to always stick to what we believe. staying closed minded. not wanting anything to change in our lives, but how can we live, if we never see life in every aspect of what it has to offer? now to the emotional stuff.....(im warning you ahead of time, it's pretty staight forward and graphic) these past 2 weeks have been the worst i have ever experienced. week 1 i was sick which caused me to go back home and miss school, unfortunately causing me to fall so behind in school even after i was already behind. (oh yeah, im practically failing) I had planned to study all last week for my midterms this week, but that didn't happen. (i didnt do so well on my exams this week. i couldn't concentrate at all) i went home for the weekend. i wanted to go to SB on friday, but i ended up not going. saturday morning i recieved a call from robyn. her first words were "have you heard anything?" i was so confused & still half asleep. she told me that angela and cilla got in a car accident. i asked her if they were ok. she was silent and said "im not sure. i think they died. angela for sure but im not sure about cilla." my heart seriously dropped. i wanted her to say "haha just kidding" but it wasnt a joke. all i could say was "what the heck is going on?!" i didnt believe it. i didnt want to. i told robyn i would call her back and immediately called cilla. it went to her voicemail right away. i felt my heart get heavy as i clicked through my phonebook thinking of who i could call. but i didnt want to call any of cilla's best friends and have to tell them the bad news. i called anyone i thought would know anything that was going on. no answer from anyone. i went online to see if myspace said anything, seeing as everyone writes their life updates in bulletins. i talked to taylor online. he told me it was true. i felt my eyes water up then germaine called me. i asked her if she knew anything and i told her the news with my voice cracking from trying to hold back my tears. time went by and after the news spread like wildfire, the talk became reality. once i realized that priscilla cruces and angela reyes were dead, i burst into tears. bawling as i called people to tell them the truth. i called anyone i thought could help me. never has my phone been so busy in my life. i sat alone in my parent's room and cried and thought about how it could have happened. images of cilla sleeping in her snow white costume in the passenger seat and angela driving. i can just imagine angela falling asleep and the car swerving off the side of the freeway. off a cliff and crashing into a tree. i can only wonder if they woke up as they drove off the cliff. if they were conscious after they hit the tree. if they were alive when the car caught fire. if they felt any pain. i pray to God that their death was a quick and painless one. A news report said that they could not identify the gender of the girls at first. that must have meant they were burned. angela could not be identified even after. her dad had to identify her by her teeth. i can only imagine the pain her dad felt looking at a body and not knowing if it was his daughter. i heard cilla's body was fine, but her mom doesnt want her casket to be openned. she wants everyone to remember cilla how she looked as we knew her. but i would give anything to just see her one last time. to hug her. gosh it hurts me to think that i'll never hear her laugh ever again. sometimes i dont believe its real, but reality soon kicks in. i get weird feelings when i think about her. i feel like my stomach is slowly rising up as if i were to vomit. sometimes i just cant take it. i just want to fall asleep and wake up to her saying "haha just kidding. i got you." but i know it wouldn't happen. there's so many memories with her. everytime i think about cheer or high school, shes there. but i really am so thankful for oct. 20 & 21. my last days with her. dinner with her on friday and limo with her and angela on saturday. that's how i'll always remember them....crazy jungle girls. but i never said goodbye. i just left krystle's house after the limo. it was late and i had to be home. their funerals are tomorrow. angela's at 10:30 cilla's at 1:30. i can just feel the tears welling up already. it's going to be an intense day. i just pray that they are in heaven now. the two most beautiful angels up there. i never knew my guardian angel on a personal level, now i do. angela & cilla. i love you. i think of you both everyday. i pray for you as you watch over everyone who's mourning. it is going to be sad to see everyone from class of 06 together again. its good that we can all get together, but for such a sad reason. to everyone i know, i love you. im sorry for any hurt i've caused you. and thank you for being in my life. | 
chipper